There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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