Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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