i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I did not marry a roomba.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
