So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
