Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize