Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
