I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
