worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
