I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
