We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
