if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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