So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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