Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
