Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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