Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize