Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
