He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
