Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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