I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
