OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
