3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
