Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
