But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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