I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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