I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
