Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize