everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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