So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
