dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
