what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
