I hate your face
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
