bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
