You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
