I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
50% drunk capacity currently
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize