how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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