Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
