So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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