Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
