Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
