So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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