I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
