god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize