News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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