like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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