Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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