she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
