a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
