my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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