we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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