I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Let's paint friendship bongs
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
