I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
