I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Randomize
