My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
