Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
