I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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